Is this real life?

Today I woke up lying on my right side with Elijah, my 3 month and 25 day old baby boy, lying beside me, awake and smiling - ready to start his day. Our morning routine was different right away.  Normally when Elijah and I wake up, Joey, my husband, is in the middle of getting ready to head to his chiropractic clinic and Taggart, our 2 year old son, is just waking up. However, Eli wanted to get an early start so Joey and I had some "play time" with our newest bundle of joy.  This morning was the last morning we would start our day with sweet Elijah.

Vacation in Kill Devil Hills, NC - Aug. 2012

Joey went off to the office and I got ready.  Honestly, I just put on a hat.  I had nothing but errands planned today and a flight booked to New Orleans for a friends bachelorette party in the evening.  I still needed to pack but I wanted to do that after my errands and while the boys were with their Nana, my mom.  So, I rushed to get out of the house.

In my rush, Taggart looked at me and said "I hold him. I hold him." I smiled and told Taggart to get on the couch and he could hold his baby brother.  He got up there faster than he ever had! Once Elijah was in his brothers lap Taggart gave him a kiss on the head and said, "I love him." My heart melted and I knew I needed a picture of this precious moment.  My phone was in the other room and I wasn't about to trust a two year old with a baby and I knew if I picked Eli up I'd never recreate the moment so I just stood there and soaked in the sight. Taggart, so proud to be a big brother and Elijah, so comfortable and happy in his brothers arms.

Taggart loving on Elijah

Back to my agenda - hurry, hurry, hurry. I fixed Taggart breakfast and he sat and ate it with me on the couch while I nursed Elijah.  Taggart finished in record time and Elijah, as usual, was in no rush - eating then stopping for a second to flash me a sweet smile.  It was the cutest thing you've ever seen.  Especially when he forgot he had milk in his mouth - a mess I was honored to clean up. Taggart was getting antsy so I decided Eli was finished nursing and for the very last time, pulled him away from my breast, burped him (it was rather impressive.  I laughed and said "Good job, buddy!") and secured him in his car seat.  Off to Nana's we go.

Best view in the world

It was an in-and-out drop off that day.  Taggart's attention was on helping Nana change Elijah's diaper so I slipped out the door.  Without kissing either of my boys goodbye.  NOLA was on my mind - I needed to get a present, a couple shirts and a pair of black heels and I'd be ready to pack.  As I was walking into Target I got a text from my best friend, Holly, she had scheduled an emergency doctors appointment because she was bleeding - a scary thing when you're pregnant.  I sent up immediate prayers for the safety and health of her baby but didn't think to pray the same thing for mine.  Target was a success and DSW was my next stop.  After looking at every pair of black heels I made my decision and purchased my black heels at 12:22pm (the time Elijah was born on 6.25.12). Errands completed now what's for lunch?

Joey was home for the day so I asked him to meet me at Fuzzy's for lunch and a margarita - I was ready to get my weekend started.  After we had finished eating we started working on Joey's new web site for the practice.  Joey asks, "When do you want to go get the boys?" At that point I decided I could pack with them at the house since Joey was home and replied, "whenever you want to."  We kept working.

At 1:54pm, still at Fuzzy's, my phone rang.  Mom.  As soon as I answered my entire world changed.  My mom was crying, screaming, "Get over here, Eli's not breathing!" I cried "Call 911!" hung up, told Joey what my mom had said and we bolted to his car. I called 911, it was the only thing I could do to help.  I wasn't there - I should have been there.  The operator assured me that an ambulance was already on the way.  We prayed, we begged, we cried.  "It's been too long" was all I could say...and I was right.  When we arrived at my moms we were met by police officers and paramedics and were forbidden to enter the house because it was a crime scene.  We were told that Elijah wasn't in the house anyway and when we asked where he was (hoping desperately that they would say they revived him and he was on the way to the hospital for recovery) we told he was no longer with us.  Weak, I fell to my knees.

What?  No longer with us?  Impossible! How does your baby just die? This can't be real. What the hell?  How did this happen?  My sweet baby, my poor sweet baby. I failed Elijah.  I failed as a mother. Nothing made sense and we received no answers other than he was taking a nap and when my mom went to check on him she found him lifeless. Lifeless? How does a little baby, the happiest, healthiest, strongest baby I've ever seen, just not wake up?  His arms were so strong that he could push himself up so that his chest was all the way off the ground.  He held his head up so well, so steady.  Why didn't he push up?  Why didn't he cry?  Why is my baby dead?  Could we have prevented this?

Enjoying some tummy time

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what was about to happen.  The officer opened the ambulance door and there was my sweet Elijah.  Beautiful.  Sleeping.  Lifeless.  Cold.  Gone.  He looked just like he always did, just in an unfamiliar place, on a stretcher that swallowed him up because it is meant for adults - not tiny babies.  I absolutely expected him to open his wide, sparkling eyes and smile at me the way he always did.  He didn't.  In shock I sat beside my baby, kissed his head and held his tiny, cold hand, praying to God to allow Elijah to squeeze my finger.  To bring him back.  Leaving Elijah alone in that ambulance was not something I wanted to do.  Not something I could do. Not something I thought I'd ever have to do.  With the help of my dad I did it.

I needed strength and from where I was standing, trying to stand, I was alone.  I called the strongest person I've ever known, Holly.  Yes, the same Holly that had a doctors appointment scheduled to see if her baby was OK.  When we connected I told her that Elijah was gone.  Elijah was dead.  My role model, my best friend, the person I needed to be strong and tell me everything was ok, was speechless and had as much disbelief and sadness as I did.  Her heart broke for me, for Eli, for herself, for her precious angel baby, Adyn.  Unbelievable. Gut-wrenching.  Unfair.  Shitty.

Joey and I tried to go home but it was too much.  Way too much.  Elijah didn't have a lot of stuff - he was new and didn't have time to collect stuff or pick things to be his favorite.  But he was everywhere in our home.  Especially our room where he slept next to me every night for 3 months and 25 days.  I laid down in bed the same way I woke up this morning, on my right side, but my position was the only thing that was the same.  Everything else was different and always would be.  It was wrong.  Elijah was supposed to be there but he wasn't, and he never would be again.  His blanket was empty.  My arms were empty.  My heart was empty.

Elijah Thomas Colopy

6.25.12 - 10.19.12