I knew today was going to seem impossible to get through but at the same time I thought that having everything scheduled out made it easy for me to just show up and go through the motions. Get up, get ready, head to the church, go to the cemetery, go back to the church for a reception and then return to the house and hide in my room under the covers in hopes that no one would be able to find me. Of course, you realize all but one of these happened today.
Upon arriving at the church the hugs immediately started. I could not stand to receive one more hug, see one more sad face or hear someone else say "I'm so sorry". I realize people have no idea what to say in a situation like this but for me the "I'm so sorry" is just about equal to "I know how you feel". You don't know so sorry until it's your baby. I know that doesn't make sense and I can't explain it but it's how I felt. A friend told me that she did not send us a card but wanted to tell me that she cared and was there for me. When her father passed away the greeting cards that were designed to bring comfort and peace instead brought anger and sadness. From that day on she vowed to never send another greeting card to express condolences. Likewise, I will never tell someone "I'm so sorry."
The numbness wore off when I saw the Emerald Hills staff come through the doors of the church rolling Elijah's closed casket. It was time to begin the service dedicated to him and his memory. Not crying this morning had immediately caught up to me - I could not see through the tears that overwhelmed my eyes. I felt weak was unsure if I'd be able to walk to my seat in the chapel. Joey and his father were the designated pallbearers but I stepped in right behind Joey and placed my left hand on Eli's casket and it remained there until we had walked him to the center of the chapel.
I heard the chapel was full of friends and family but did not notice myself. I was only aware of the tiny white casket placed all alone in the center of the chapel. The casket that held my sweet Elijah. The casket that would never be opened again. The casket that held my heart. I could not take my eyes off of it.
We walked out of the chapel the same way we walked in, with Elijah by our side. Once we got out of the chapel, the staff of Emerald Hills took over and guided Elijah to the hearse. We watched them safely slide the casket into the back of the car and secure it. It was such a big car for such a small little baby. I wanted to crawl in and sit beside him. The thought of him riding alone in the back of an unfamiliar car, inside an unfamiliar box, made me sick to my stomach.
As we pulled into the cemetery I saw the green canopy the staff had set up and closed my eyes in hesitation. This was the final step in this process and I was not ready to let go. In no way could I say good bye to my sweet, precious, tiny baby boy. Joey helped me out of the car and asked my dad to stand in for him as a pallbearer, which he gladly accepted. Each step I took was like a stab in the heart - I was one step closer to where my little baby would be placed in the ground and covered with dirt. I was mad that this was what I was doing - that this is what I had to be doing.
Elijah had a favorite blanket and I had been holding it close to my chest all morning. I hugged it through the service at the church, in the car on the way to the cemetery and as I walked toward the seats set up under the canopy placed next to Elijah's grave. I placed the blanket on top of the casket and stayed there for a minute, hugging the casket and talking to Eli. When I sat back in my chair the graveside memorial began and was completed rather quickly. The line of people wanting to hug us immediately grew and Joey and I decided we were going to group hug everyone so that we each got one arm instead of a full on embrace. We were not very successful with this.
Lezlie handed Joey and I each a yellow rose from one of the flower arrangements that was sent to the funeral home and one at a time we tossed them down to our son. Looking down into the hole in the ground that would soon swallow our sweet, Elijah was heartbreaking. I fell to my knees and all I wanted to do was get inside and lay down with him. That was it - the last look. I wanted to stay until the crew dumped the first load of dirt. Lezlie handed us a bag with all of the items we left at the funeral home. Including the book "Oh, The Places You Will Go" which was supposed to be in the casket with him. She immediately worked to make it right and they placed the book in with him.
I felt extremely blessed when we got to the church for the reception. My whole LivingSocial team was there to show their support along with a few co-workers from Austin that drove in. It meant more to me than they will ever know. Back at our house I had no chance to hide under the covers. It was a nice day and Taggart wanted to play outside. Joey's brothers, mother and father were out in the front yard and my presence was requested. Shortly thereafter my parents and aunts arrived and our front yard turned into a camp grounds. It was nice to be surrounded by loved ones but all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold Elijah and how unfair this all was. Since holding him was not a possibility, I did the closest thing - I held his blanket...and cried all night long because of how unfulfilling it was.
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