Holding Elijah

We walked in to the funeral home and Lezlie was at the front door waiting for us.  I handed her three pairs of socks for Elijah and two knit hats to cover  his tiny head.  Why so many options?  Eli rarely wore socks because he just kicked them off and he really had no need for them as he was always wrapped up nice and snug in my arms.  A sweet lady that knows a couple of my friends offered to knit a few hats for Elijah...i believe she completed 8.  I picked my favorite but brought a back-up just in case the one I wanted him to wear didn't fit his head.  Lezlie explained that she was going to go put the items on Elijah and swaddle him in a blanket we provided the day before.  She led us to the chapel and told us we could wait for her in there.

My prayer over the past couple days was for me to understand, know and accept that when I saw Elijah, I was only looking at his body, a shell, not my precious little boy.  I took a deep breath in preparation to enter the chapel, hold my baby and stand by his casket while friends and family came to support me and my family and say goodbye to our sweet Elijah.  My feet were glued to the ground at the entrance of the chapel until Lezlie said that Eli was not in the room but she was going to go get him and bring his to us so that we could have our last private moments with him before lying him down for the last time.  Joey and I walked down the aisle arm in arm, both crying.  There were pictures of Elijah at the front of the chapel, including one of only three family pictures we have with the little guy and a poster sized close up of Elijah smiling with clearly visible drool bubbles in his mouth and a reflection of me in his eyes.  I longed to be able to see myself in his eyes again and to get the loving reaction he would offer each time he saw my face or heard my voice.

The front was filled with flowers and their fragrance was powerful, yet pleasant.  Looking through all the cards warmed my heart.  I saw names of people that I didn't know, people I hadn't been in contact with since high school or college, and my family.  As I stood up there I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and what felt like my throat.  The pace of my breathing increased and it suddenly felt like it was 90 degrees in the chapel so I opted to take a seat.

Moments later Lezlie walked through the door of the chapel with a familiar baby blue and chocolate brown swaddle blanket in her arms.  As she walked closer I could see Elijah's hat covered head, face and tiny hands.  Previously I had told her that I wanted to hold Elijah and she asked if I still wanted to.  Absolutely! I had not held my baby since about 10am on Friday and this would be the last chance on this Earth for me to feel him in my arms.  Lezlie placed Elijah in my arms and the feeling I felt I still can't describe.  It was a complex stew of emotions with an intense love and deep sadness battling for the first spot on the ingredients list.  That stew was served with a side of answered prayers.  This was not my baby, it was his body.  A vessel that housed a perfect, loving, happy soul, but I was not holding my baby. I held Elijah for about 20 minutes and in that time I touched each part of his body one last time, I kissed his perfect head, held is tiny hands, squeezed his socked feet, rubbed his typically full belly and patted his strong back.  It was already past 5pm and people were gathering in the hall waiting to be let in so I pulled my baby close in to my chest and rocked him one last time.

I wanted to place him in his casket - it needed to be his mommy that laid him to rest one last time and I needed to be sure that he was positioned comfortably.  The walk from my seat to the casket seemed like a long, dark tunnel and with each step I took I wanted to turn around and run away.  I wanted to escape having to let Elijah go.  I wanted to run away fast enough that I caught Friday morning and I kept the boys with me instead of dropping them off at my mother's house.  I kissed my sweet son, told him I loved him, I missed him and that I would be right over in the corner looking over him.  I placed his lifeless little body in the white and blue casket we selected and made sure he looked comfortable.  Having laid him down, I could not step back from his side.  I couldn't leave him.

Joey and I both walked back down the aisle toward the doors of the chapel and opened them to allow the guests to enter.  After propping open the doors we turned to walk back to the from of the chapel to be by our son's side and noticed the video slideshow had begun to play.  Smiles, tears, laughter and more tears consumed me while watching it.  I can not express how thankful I am to my dear friend, Lauren Coffey and her husband, Ryan, for putting this together.  We will cherish this for the rest of our lives.  You were able to turn a home video that under normal circumstances may have been deleted because of it's insignificance into a treasure.

Elijah Thomas Colopy - Remembered from Michelle Colopy on Vimeo.

The night ended with a candlelight vigil in memory of Elijah.  We were opened in prayer by our city group leader followed by Joey's father, and were closed out by Marsha Pritchard as she started singing "Jesus Loves Me."

I was exhausted and thankful that the viewing was over and that there were no more people around wanting to hug me.  But if this day was over that meant I was quickly approaching what would be the second worst day of my life.